On Birthdays

Tomorrow night I’m going out for dinner with Christopher Palace to celebrate his 22nd birthday. After dinner we’re going to get ice cream at Hedonist. Tonight I got high with women and then I belted songs until the practice room building closed. At 1 AM. Then I “stole” time for myself to watch a full movie.

I really care about Chris. We have been seeing each other for a little over 3 months now. That’s actually quite a long while. I feel so incredibly lucky to be having dinner with him tomorrow night. I talk about him all the time to my friends, to the point where it’s probably annoying or at least will be soon. I don’t need anything, now. I don’t need safety, or to feel validated by someone else needing me. I can hold my own. I am not sad.

I got to really choose this time. So did he. He chooses me every day again. He was the one who gave his name to the waitress on our first date. I didn’t have to. That was huge for me. He asks me out for dinner. In a really cute, slightly formal way. He picks me up in a real car with stereo system. He has long curly hair that glows different colors in different lights. Sometimes brown, sometimes gold, sometimes red. His eyes light up often and he laughs deeply. He always tells me about his shows afterwards, and when he comes up close to me to tell me something he stares right into my heart. He is respectful but honest with his own needs.

He is cautious with his mortality but believes in Heaven. He gives me daily musical inspiration. He has a high GPA. He has lost more than I ever have. He is sad and worried, but also hopeful and confident. He remembers things from my life.

He had brunch with my sister.

He’s not a good listener because he interjects with his own related experiences and forgets to come back to me. He’s aware of this, and has been trying to ask me more about my life. When I feel weird for some reason, he asks why and we talk it out. Then I feel better, safe, calm.

He touches me the way I want.

He always gives me a bear hug and a huge smile when he sees me. He wears purple because he loves it, not because he thinks it looks good on him. He wears two earrings, small little hoops, one in his right earlobe and one on his left upper ear. He wears a necklace made of tiger’s eye and adores his cat, Tiger Lily.

His WHOLE BEING lights up when he talks about Tiger Lily.

I have a lot to learn. I will never stop learning. I will never “figure” it out. I am trying to be calm but he makes me feel things, stirrings, that excite me and inspire me. I am motivated by him.

There were geese in the river tonight. I felt so happy to hear them again. Chris was very afraid someone would rob us. Then he said, “I’m too honest with you. It’s like there’s no facade.”

Do I have a facade? I tend to feel sheepish when I reveal my own insecurities to him. Especially when he immediately disproves whatever I’m believing about myself:

Me: Feeling inadequate as a musician
Chris: Remember everyone has a voice and can bring unique ideas to the table

Me: Feeling like I’m spending too much time with him and not enough with friends
Chris: Do what makes you happy; it’s always okay to bail!

Me: Applying for arts admin jobs
Chris: Do something you’ll love, not something you feel like you should do

February 10, 2018

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