On Disintegration (again)

The Disintegration Loops

What Untitled (and I) was listening to while he studied for his bio final and I wrote in my journal. I’m listening to the disintegration Loop No. 1 now. Something huge that has been drawn out and zoomed in on and taken apart and so has slowly, or quickly, become so much less than what it was but something as beautiful, if not more perfect, something so far from what it was. A part of that. Disintegration is only the description of a state of being and not of a certain process. Disintegration. Humans know of it. So well, we live it.

I think I am not sad about leaving our relationship to rest because we knew it from the beginning and it was all a comfortable process of disintegration, constant reshifting to fall into the place where something was lost or expanded, constant settling and lifting and feeling and pulling away. We both knew and did what we needed and learned what we did not know we needed. We felt what we did not know we could feel. But we orchestrated this through the chaos. This was a transitional relationship for both of us, in Untitled’s words. This was a spectacular, tragic, hopeful partnership that is not over, will never be over, but which will only continue disintegrating and teaching about the intricacies of create, and caring for someone.

Disintegration does not equal destruction. It only means that something is slowly changing into something else. A large orchestral piece blown up into its smallest part, slowed down, stretched out, and repeated, to create a magnificent and expansive and true song that imitates sunset colors and oil pastels and watercolors and waves and salt on the tongue and means whatever you really need it to mean. It just does.

My romantic relationship with Untitled does not feel like a separate event in my life. It was me, it was just me and he flowed through as he did and I was still me doing things and I am still me doing things and he is still here.

Disintegration (v) –
to break apart into many small parts or pieces
to break or decompose into constituent elements, parts, or small particles
to destroy the unity or integrity of
to undergo a change in composition

To undergo a change in composition.

July 28, 2015

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s