On Quitting

Gave my notice today to That Boss at my job. I can’t wait to be done. It’s hard for me to let it go now that I’ve actually told her, because she said all this bullshit, That Person bullshit, about how “things will change soon because she’s hiring a new finance person” and “we’ll be meeting in person soon” and shit like that. I don’t want to fucking hear it. She didn’t admit to giving unclear directions. I just want to get out of her snares.

I hate snares.
I’ve been in them so many times.

“She thought about this irony as she stared back at the moon.” -Regina Spektor, Braille

I’m going to do what I really want – give my gifts to the world. And it’s their loss if they can’t be a channel for that. I need to be free. I need to be invited to unfurl – in fact, I don’t need an invite at all.

All I need is the arena.
All I need is the space.

Fuck That Boss for not seeing me.
I don’t need her to see me.
I can see me.

Fuck That Boss from blocking me from the fantastic project this job had potential to be. At least I’ll leave the role in a better position than when I started it – with training documents and actual helpful shit.

I feel so hurt and afraid.

But I know that nobody can make me do anything I don’t want to do.

I remember the rage I felt at that man who tried to comfort my sister when she fell at the block party when we lived on Winter St. She was 4. I feel that same rage now at That Boss and this job. I can feel shame for not standing my ground today. For letting her logic override my knowing. I remember when That Person used to talk circles around me. I would submit to his words. They were the nails holding my bloody hands to the cross.

I am so tired.

May 24, 2021

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